“Content with what he gets by chance,
Beyond both opposites, his envy gone,
The same in both success and failure,
Even when he acts, he isn’t bound.”Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 4,Verse 22
The weather is cooler now here in Kolkata. The brief period of walking to the basement garage fills me in with the firsthand information, the breeze is gentle and moist and I feel worried because I am a new driver and my car’s wipers are not functioning. I make a mental note of calling the service people to check on it.
I head to meet one of my friends who’s waiting in the nearby cafeteria and have a heart-to-heart with her as she pours herself cups of coffee nervously and I accompany her with my choice of green tea. No one but us in the cafeteria which used to be crowded during the pre-COVID times, the dullness is written on the faces of the attendants, the fear is what hits you as you look in the eyes of every masked passer-by.
Finally, our small talk ends and she tells me, how anxious she is about her relationship with someone who has been giving her mixed signals and emotions for a long time now. Sometimes she is safely friend-zoned while other times he is overly affectionate and she gives in to his ways without as much as a clear chat about her status in his life.
I listened cause I wanted her to be able to ventilate without judgment. As a neutral observer, I did feel like pulling my friend out of the chaos that is leading to some serious anxiety issues in her lately. Her confidence has been stripped off. She is not her usual creative self.
After her avalanche and tears. There was a painful silence for some moments between us and then she asked me timidly. “What do you think is happening to me?” I gage from the lens of an NLP coach and could say she is not in the productive state at all. She was miserable with the inconsistencies, his closeness to others created envy in her and that led to guilt. If she had a good moment with him she would still wallow in regret because she wasn’t sure where she was headed.
Clearly, she was insecure and unsure about herself, else she would’ve made sure to have had an open conversation with him and lay these unspoken woes to sleep for good. The famous “I-cant-lose-him” incantation shadowed every bit of assertiveness and she let herself go through all of the trouble that confusion could create.
I asked her about what love feels like? She sighed and said, “Well it is a beautiful thing, it feels good.” “For a short while?” I questioned sarcastically. She was in deep thoughts. She said, “it shouldn’t be but in my case, that’s what it is.”
“What is love, a word, a commitment, an action, a memory, or a state of being?” She looked at me searching for her answer.
I continued, “love is supposed to make you feel better. It is to take you on the upward spiral which is full of joy, contentment, and above all peace But, when it creates insecurities it is the compulsive emotion rather than love. We are looking for someone else to complete us, sometimes we try to fit in the round peg in the square hole. There lies the problem. You are guilty, regretful, angry, or possessive than you need to check on the space from where you’re coming. Do you lack the love and respect for yourself and ardently seeking it in the other? Do you belong to yourself before you need the other to belong to you?”
When you are there for yourself the fear-based and habitual relationships drop. The toxicity in a relationship fades and it begins to heal you and the other. There is clarity, open-hearted communication and it becomes your safe place to be in.
Even if it isn’t meant to be, you will not be broken because this love isn’t obsessive, it is conscious. It doesn’t bind you and yet connects you at a deeper level. You will be able to look at him and know he is for you.
“So, my prescription to you is to love yourself so much so that you’re not fearful, nor jealous, nor insecure about anything. When you are the one who decides if it is worthwhile to wait or move on, when you’re not playing upon chance and when you know that your ability to respond is within you not out there. The blame will be gone. You will choose not to be the victim rather the winner in your story no matter you win over the person or otherwise. Possessive about others is a clear indicator that you’re unsure about yourself.”
She looked thoughtful. I asked her, “so are you ready and willing to work on yourself and play the beautiful game of life rather than gamble with it.”
She smiled, sipped the remaining coffee, and nodded. I could see some hope and a tear of understanding shine in the rim of her eyes.
We got up to leave, it was raining by now. I remembered the defective windshield wipers in my car and got nervous when she pitched in, “how about another round of some self-love?” We both giggled. “I am always up for it gal!” I said and we turned to indulge in some mudpies this time.