Everything is well until it is in here. What I mean is that there are times in our lives when whether things are in order outside or not they surely look like mayhem inside.
There is a numbness that is so deep within that its root cannot be traced. It always starts with disappointment with the self. First there is a dip in the emotions and then it spreads all over the body, mind, place, people, everything that is an extension of me. My body feels heavy, especially my shoulders. I feel my headache will blind me. I get tired if I have to smile. My breath is a burden. A logical part sighs, “We have seen enough of all this, life indeed is empty and meaningless where love and aspirations are the cheap thrills that keep us walking on the barren roads of life…dragging us from one end to the other. While in reality there is nothing. We all came from nowhere and we are going towards oblivion.” This part is waiting for life to conclude itself. This one stands still, frozen. But do I let this one have the last word?
When depression leads you to this place, suddenly mind panics as if you’ll slip into a dungeon and it isn’t prepared for the fall. This is when anxiety grips you and your amygdala gets hijacked. You frantically try to divert yourself with physical, emotional and substance abuse to numb yourself. It doesn’t work for long and you’re back staring at the wall that won’t move.
Heaven and hell are all in the mind and that is so true. A developing country has lesser cases of depression than a rich country like America, think about all the opulence which could not fix the paucity of the mind.
Recently, I met a mother of two adults in one of the online sessions. She is suffering from chronic depression which started when she was orphaned at a young age and then worsened in her patriarchal marriage. Her husband brushes her aside and she has no voice or choice. Financial security is all she could negotiate for herself in the lifelong alliance. With children now grown-ups, slightest of disturbance in their lives send chills up her spine and she has the worst panic attacks because the so-called material protection isn’t enough when her emotions are under the bus.
Visited by another young introvert who is lost in the gossamer of the shiny world of the gram and frightened by the fast pace of the high-achievers posing perfectly behind the filters. He is having anxious thoughts that he will never be able to make it. When one’s worth is equal to the number of followers and likes on social forums one is compelled to take on the imposter syndrome and that creates misalignment followed by anxious thoughts and dis-ease.
After a series of visitations and truckload of thoughtful research I realized that this is a phase that gets stuck in our timeline like the motionless glacier and we can chunk it down and dissolve it so that we see the daylight and flow of the river supports us to sail across smoothly. Sometimes we need to take a brief detour to come back on our path finally.
When fear takes over faith, when values do not go hand in hand with actions, when the desires clash within our mind, when emotional state spirals downward, we experience the phases of depression or anxiety or other mental disorders.
In simple words we aren’t in alignment with the natural current of life.
When I let the long dim corridors of my mind be as it is, when I do not try to make sense of it all, I start to see a little light coming from the rear end of the passage. I suspend all that I must be doing, and do that, I want to and can in the moment. I go slow. I pause when I need to and I pick myself piece by piece and carry my fractured soul towards the light.
Gradually things start to change and I heal my parts and return to a position where I can focus on my breath and sit for meditation and journaling. I dump all that is in my mind on a piece of paper and flush it down. The garbage of my mind, once gone makes me feel lighter and I breathe easy.
For hope to return I ignite the magical part of me which knows that we’ve been given this physical body in this physical realm to experience life. We also have the choice to make it better for ourselves and others.
So, exercising the freewill given and accepting that indeed life is meaningless until we give it some meaning we wish to give it, we can move from the state of heaviness, dullness, numbness and unexplained sadness to a state of calmness, endurance and hopefulness.
Timeline therapy often helps me lift myself and my clients up from all the instances when we gave up in our life not knowing that the resources and the light was always within us and nowhere else, not knowing that it was we who were making our glass of water unfit to drink in the first place and it is in our capacity to purify it and quench our thirst, not knowing that we were getting caught up in a a whirlwind and we had the anchor within us to hold on to. It helps in breaking down the stubborn memories and changing the way we look at it.
Trying to understand or philosophise life prevents us from living it. Changing the narrative changes our life. So, give whatever meaning you want to give it but make sure you experience the real taste of your own cocktail.
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